Deep Space: Blacked out windows; a 'tintist's' perspective.

Deep Space: Blacked out windows; a 'tintist's' perspective.

I have deputized myself as the ‘Hard Shoulder Policeman’. I am a lone vigilante protecting the civil rights of my fellow drivers. My sole purpose: to stop cars pushing in front of me, and those righteous citizens who are abiding by the unwritten laws of the traffic jam. I sit in the fourth lane, alone, blocking the path of any would-be offender, I wait; suddenly, a faint plume of dust rises as a flicker in my wing mirror…Here they come.

There is a Toyota, a Lexus and a 4 by 4 that have just pulled up behind me. They are not happy; I suspect that they do not like me. This inference comes from the fact that one of them is making a hand gesture at me, the other is beeping incessantly and the driver directly behind me is mouthing something that I do not understand but seems nasty. I do not fully understand him because his utterances come from a language that I do not know. His windows are a shade of black that I can only describe as deep space; making it nearly impossible to gaze through them. All three cars have this reflective tint, this shade that far exceeds the 30 percent legal limit; in fact, there seems to be a demographic grouping of cars that comprise our ‘typical offender’. You know them; they tailgate you at 80mph while threatening you with their flashing lights, their owner is nonchalant; eating a sandwich and talking on his mobile.

And who said men couldn’t multitask? Yes men!

“Dubai has one of the highest motor accident rates in the world per head of population and young male UAE nationals have more chance of being killed in a car accident than a young male has anywhere else in the world.”

www.gulfnews.com/indepth/trafficwatch

This male doesn’t need to indicate; we, through the universal medium of telepathy, can predict when he will brake, pull out, and; using this extra sensory perception, we can accurately infer via which of the five exits of the roundabout he will depart. A correlation between bad driving and gender or ethnicity is fallacy; the truth is this: The darker your windows are: the more likely you are to be a careless driver, and annoy me. There, I said it! I stereotyped, I am a ‘tintist’. But, before your anguished responses of political correctness concoct themsleves, please, consider the adjective ‘careless’ and allow me the chance to qualify my misdemeanor. Let us delve into the philosophy of the ‘deep-spacer’ by boldly going through the ether of his windscreen and into the mind of the accused:

“How can I feel guilt if my persecutors don’t even know who they are cross at? Why should I care if they can’t even see me? If people can’t see me, how can I actually be there? How can I not exist and be an endemic part of the selfish, impatient driving trend that is responsible for the deaths of 236 U.A.E citizens every year?”

I understand the practicality of shaded windscreens: nobody wants a burned bottom or a mode of transport that doubles up as a mobile greenhouse. But, when the Department of Transport inundates us with revolutionary new road-safety measures I have to ask: “How can we have any practical hope of new laws being enforced when the most elementary laws are casually ignored by the masses and the police are too tied up dealing with naughty roundabouts to 'act on' something so trivial and widespread?”

I return from deep space. I am back in the hard shoulder. I feel uncomfortable but hold my composure, safe in the knowledge that I am the self appointed protector of the people’s right to queue fairly and justly. The three vehicles that I tried to rebuke for breaking the law (by breaking the law myself) have passed me, ingeniously I might add, by inventing a fifth lane - in the sand! Now, no one can see for half of a kilometer because of the dust that has been thrown up; another successful job for ‘Hard Shoulder Policeman’.

Deflated, I attempt to pull back into my original space, but, the very subject whose rights I was trying to protect has ‘stolen’ my place, he won’t let me back in, and is now eating a Hammour sandwich. The fact that I want a Hammour sandwich compounds this treachery. I am left alone to reflect upon my bad judgment. What was I thinking? I am ashamed.

I come to the conclusion that to exorcise my traffic-demons my only outlet is to write. I know that writing will not change the world but Kingsley Amis articulates my sentiment in a more eloquent and clear manner than I could ever wish:

“All that can be done is to encourage a few individuals to start thinking about how they express their thoughts. And take care oneself, naturally.”
(Kingsley Amis, The Kings English)

“My pen is mightier than your blacked out Toyota Corrolla.”

(Me, a minute ago)

See.

What follows will explain why there is an angry little man driving from Sharjah to Dubai in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a look on his face that is upsetting small children; a list of those offences which I find most infuriating. We will count down from 10, like the singles chart; saving the very worst, naturally, until last.

Number 10

10: Blocking my view by pulling half way across a roundabout exit (especially with blacked out windows) and disenfranchising me of the ability to see if it is safe to exit, thus, leaving me with three options.

A: To wait, blind, until he bullies his way out, in the hope that the next driver has some semblance of a brain.

(Do not be optimistic about this. Please note that this technique will precipitate ‘beeping’ because you did not risk your life and that of your child in order to save someone else some time)

B: To trust the judgment of the offender and follow him out using him as a ‘shield’.

(A notion which ignites a smile)

C: Too offensive and violent for publication but involves a hammer, 3 nails and a sausage.

Number 9

Blocking my roundabout exit; by going around the ‘Doughnut of Doom’ in the outside lane, irrespective of which exit you intend taking.

(Drivers who do this are usually short and live alone on the beach.)

Number 8

Drivers who entertain the ignorant and grossly misconceived notion that having a hazard light function in their vehicle is tantamount to 'a park anywhere at any time for any length permit.'

(This misconception has been witnessed on roundabouts, motorways and hard shoulders. Most notable is a recent incident in Sharjah, where a family was reported as being, “stationary on a roundabout casually enjoying their Iftah Buffet on a set of foldaway tables and chairs”)

Number 7

Unnecessary and excessive honking of one’s horn.

(Persistent perpetrators of this offence are usually of a lower social class and smell of onions)

Number 6

Drivers who overtake me in the wrong lane. Their sole purpose in life is to add to the amount of mirrors I must simultaneously examine before venturing into another lane.

(The only circumstances in which one should be forced to simultaneously examine mirrors are: reviewing a suspicious haircut, and, less frequently, the popping of an inconveniently situated boil or spot in the very centre of one’s back)

Number 5

Drivers who haphazardly swerve in and out of lanes in a manner that can only lead a rational human to speculate whether they are using vodka as an amusing alternative to petrol. If these drivers would use petrol as an alternative to vodka I would, personally, find it more amusing.

Number 4

Drivers who invent their own lane of traffic in the hard shoulder, pushing in front of everybody who is patiently queuing.

Number 3
Drivers who purposefully speed up when somebody has the rare courtesy to signal that they intend to change lanes. Their hearts are pure evil.

Number 2

Drivers who tailgate.

(The light hearted nature of this article is hard to maintain, particularly in light of the [ridiculously coined] “turbo Rolf”, who killed a mother and child by tailgating them on Germany’s infamous autobahn last year. Whether the penalties for death-inducing ignorance and stupidity are proportionate or effective is up for debate, but, until the punishments suitably reflect the crimes, or until more people die, it seems little will change.

This is an extract from an e’mail I received this week:

“Well we finally got details of the judgement against this local Emirati who killed ……………. yesterday. He got 3 months jail, Dh5000 fine and 6 months ban from driving. “

(The best solution is to move out of their way; one day they will go swimming and get stung by a jellyfish)


Number 1

‘Revenge Maneuvers’, an example:

A driver purposefully overtook me and then pulled right in front of me and slowed down very abruptly to exact revenge for something he perceived as an earlier injustice committed against him. I had to slam my brakes on extremely hard and nearly died. This also happened to my partner on a separate journey, and, from what I can gather it is a commonplace ‘revenge maneuver’. A less common variant is aggressively swerving to hit somebody’s car and pulling away at the last minute.

(Remember the offenders number plate - if it is not embedded in your mouth - and report these would-be executioners to the police.)

What is that? In the distance, I can hear cries of: “That happened to me!”, “That makes me angry too” and even “Oops, I do that sometimes”.

Drivers of the U.A.E unite! Let us be angry little men and women together, but more importantly, let us keep our integrity and vow that from this day forth we shall refrain from committing any of the heinous sins in this list. Change will come about by setting an example, and may our example be the catalyst that brings about that change...Even in rush hour.


Kemsley Dickinson

Kemsley@gmail.com
10/14/2006